Friday, October 28, 2011

craving consistency

i like to consider myself
a go with the flow kinda gal.
flexible. spontaneous. free spirited.
i imagine myself in some other life
being a garden dwelling hippy type
(but i would shave and not smell like patchouli)
 i notice that when my life
becomes a little more trying than usual
i start to crave consistency.
i find comfort in order. in knowing what will come next
i want to segment my day and evening into little
bites of activity and rest.
i want to have a menu plan on the fridge
and a day calendar all filled in neatly.

when i become less and less able to control the people
around me
(not that i am a particularly controlling type
 but enough that i like
to keep my ducks in a know,
know where they are, what they are doing
basic kinda stuff)
i start to control what i can.
which, suprise, suprise
is really only me.

yesterday i wrote out a life line list
to refer to for the next few days
until our family is all together again
(yes, i have a runner and yes, it is the hardest thing ever)
it includes things like daily email/text contact with a few close people.
i am so grateful for the daily little drops of encouragement that are coming my way
(thank you)
and it will include daily journaling so that i can figure out my emotions
rather than spreading them here, there and everywhere.
my craving for consistency seems to also include
sweeping the floor all the time.
and stacking the magazines alot.
there is also some serious baking going on
which i find curioius.
and being here.
writing to myself.
writing to you.
keeping some sort of history of this time for us
so that it can be remembered and learned from.

i am finding that i want to order my days.
and seek comfort in the steadfast and predictable
no matter how mundane or small it may be.
the rhythm of putting on E. outside clothes
brings me comfort each morning
and the ritual of making tea is soothing to my heart.
there is alot to learn from seeking other ways of doing things
for a time, or a moment only
and so for now,
this free flowing gal is going to tighten up the ship a bit and
prepare for the storms that are crashing all around us.

1 comment:

  1. Mm-hm...familiar...this is what I do, too. You said it well.

    (But, you know, now we all have to hold you to that patchouli vow.)