craving consistency

i like to consider myself

a go with the flow kinda gal.

flexible. spontaneous. free spirited.

i imagine myself in some other life

being a garden dwelling hippy type

(but i would shave and not smell like patchouli)

however,

 i notice that when my life

becomes a little more trying than usual

i start to crave consistency.

i find comfort in order. in knowing what will come next

i want to segment my day and evening into little

bites of activity and rest.

i want to have a menu plan on the fridge

and a day calendar all filled in neatly.

when i become less and less able to control the people

around me

(not that i am a particularly controlling type

 but enough that i like

to keep my ducks in a row...you know,

know where they are, what they are doing

basic kinda stuff)

i start to control what i can.

which, suprise, suprise

is really only me.

yesterday i wrote out a life line list

to refer to for the next few days

until our family is all together again

(yes, i have a runner and yes, it is the hardest thing ever)

it includes things like daily email/text contact with a few close people.

i am so grateful for the daily little drops of encouragement that are coming my way

(thank you)

and it will include daily journaling so that i can figure out my emotions

rather than spreading them here, there and everywhere.

my craving for consistency seems to also include

sweeping the floor all the time.

and stacking the magazines alot.

there is also some serious baking going on

which i find curioius.

and being here.

writing to myself.

writing to you.

keeping some sort of history of this time for us

so that it can be remembered and learned from.

i am finding that i want to order my days.

and seek comfort in the steadfast and predictable

no matter how mundane or small it may be.

the rhythm of putting on E. outside clothes

brings me comfort each morning

and the ritual of making tea is soothing to my heart.

there is alot to learn from seeking other ways of doing things

for a time, or a moment only

and so for now,

this free flowing gal is going to tighten up the ship a bit and

prepare for the storms that are crashing all around us.